In spite of having been to Wizards in 2007, Pro in 2004, Masters twice, I still hadn't been able to shake off a deep sense of low self esteem. I guess I expected to be totally healed by now after years of psychotherapy & trainings, & courses over the last 15 years, including voice dialogue, inner child, crisis counselling, shame reduction therapy, etc. I have found only some of that lastingly and deeply transforming...psychodrama and Avatar. And then there's more....
A lot has happened since being back from Wizards and then completing my first internship in Sydney, which was very humbling and transforming. More and more I realize I have some tools that I can use to effect change and it is in my hands.
One of my favourite exercises is the transparent beliefs. I actually hadn't really noticed how powerful it was until I did a few Intro's for friends and saw firsthand the profound effect of this exercise, as well as following up on these friends a few days later to hear of their experiences since doing the exercise. I am now an avid fan of Transparent beliefs. Yesterday I went for the jugular as to why I still felt such low self esteem. Some of what came up was known, and some was surprising but I still didn't feel like I got "it". I had to finish up so didn't really get to resolution.
I attended a massage course today and had such a profound experience it was no coincidence. There was a woman there I didn't know. I recognized her surname and intended to meet her by the end of the day. After lunch, I was late back and then ended up sitting next to her and then we had to partner up. I began to ask her if she was related to a Julie who lived in Brisbane, was divorced from a guy called David and had boys. The woman said yes, and that she was Davids niece. Also said that Julie had passed on from cancer 5-6 years earlier. I told this woman that Julie had been my mothers best friend.
As we are sitting there listening to the class, I started to hear this voice in my head screaming " It's not true,it's not true". In between classroom stuff and the voice, I started to have a memory of Julie.
I spent the first four years of my life in Brisbane and almost the only thing I remember about Jules, was that she would look at me in the eye, pull down my bottom eyelids and say to me " Kirstie you have the devil in your eye".
Whenever we saw each other after that I would run up to her and pull down my eyelids and say I had the devil in my eye. It just seemed like innocent fun at the time and no one stopped it.
Just as class was winding up, my partner was giving me some colour therapy and I started to feel really distressed and I just couldn't stop sobbing for some time about this memory and the realizations I was having. I also was amazed at this seemingly coincidental meeting with this woman. I had no idea of the impact that "belief" has had for 45 years of my life and felt a lot of grief about that. I have suffered depression, anxiety & panic attacks, suicidality, since very young ( my mother told me I'd first started showing signs of depression since age 4, but did nothing about it) and have so often felt not quite right, as though there was something really wrong with me, and that I was really bad. And so now I fully can appreciate and understand why I have felt the way I have all my life. So much falls into its place. I felt quite a mixture of emotions and thoughts, as well as compassion and understanding for Julie. What an enlightening experience that was and so out of the blue. I feel very grateful.
Today I have come to know that I am . a good,loving, beautiful and kind person.
I really feel that doing Avatar has given me the emotional stability to process deep feelings and emotions and stay in my body. It felt so good to feel all the feelings of grief, compassion, understanding of that memory. It is an empowering experience to feel deeply and to have awareness at the same time.
The simplicity and profundity of these tools continues to amaze me. I am very hooked.
Thank you Harry for your love, your honour of us all. May we all believe that we can be that great too!