Okay. Round 3 of me and Avatar Courses. I get on a roll with my commitment to the materials, attending courses and inspiring students and just when I am at a certain level of responsibility I disappear. I have disappeared twice from my Avatar path. The last time I had been honored with becoming a Jr. AI and was happy to have the responsibility and commitment. Then "poof." What was that about?
On this Professional Course I decided to attack this entity; this lack of presence. Using the exercise to Intensify Attention, I explored what started with "worrying about how I present myself." This issue/creation was totally overwhelming every aspect of my life. I absolutely have to "look great;" have everyone believe I'm happy and healthy and have other Avatars notice I am present.
I have moved up the levels of responsibility in relationships, at school, and in careers. Inevitably I get almost to the top and "poof" I disappear. When the realization of this repeated creation surfaced it made so much sense. Self sabotage! I realized that if I took "the next step" I would have to be accountable and present and would not be able to fool anyone. Well, I was just fooling myself.
Now I am ready to take the next step and all steps after that. Finally I feel that this presence, the real me (yahoo!) is going to stick around.
Early in the course one of the Wizards, a trusted guide, told me I needed to fall apart. Wow. Well, I did. I like what I found amongst the pieces.
Thanks for everything!